Friday, January 29, 2010
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you.
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a..m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for me that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
THURSDAY: Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobics instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY: Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I didn't show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with M&Ms!!!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
I decided I would start with a sort-of Work In Progress post. I did a lot of custom items over the holiday and have received several requests to see pics of them, so I'll start with those.
One of my orders was for custom daddy's and mommy's first christmas ornaments. I was so excited to get them packed & shipped I forgot to take a picture of the mommy one. It is similar to the daddy's ornament, just in pink.
I had another order that was for a quantity of a MINIMUM of 6 smiley face magnets. Smiley is currently available in my shop, it was just the quantity that made it custom.
One of my most time consuming orders was a mouse pad of a co-workers dog as a Christmas present for her husband. The picture is of the insert only that goes inside a mouse pad sleeve. I learned two things from this order: 1) I need more time than 17 days to stitch one (I pulled 2 all-nighters in there and went to the office with NO sleep) and 2) I need to charge more money - ended up making $0 after the cost of supplies. But it was still a great project to do and am looking forward to more of them.
I made some conversation heart magnets for my store and ended up getting a custom order for some others. These are fun and I like the fact they are smaller so I can take them to the office and stitch on my lunch hour.
And last, but definitely not least, we have the lovely Hannah! She is the doxie sweatshirt that got put on hold over the holidays (thank you VERY much to the gracious Etsian that is very patiently waiting for it!!!) She is now the focus of all my night time stitching and I'm hoping to have her done this weekend. She has all of her body, including the shading details and now I just need to finish her head. I'll post a picture of her in a future post once she is fully completed.
Sty tuned for more blog posts on a regular basis once again.